10 Years from Now

20 01 2018

So, I know I am usually all positivity, sunshine & rainbows flying out of my ass… but I have had some experiences in the last half year or so that have me in a troubled and questioning place.  I always promised myself that when I started this blog I would be honest about my experiences… even if they may cast me in a not-so-great light – or show that all is not hunky-dory with my career.  This is difficult, as it is partially the actor’s job to make it seem as if all is going gangbusters at all times, lest you seem like you may be not as successful – and desperate.  That is why you can be looking at a fellow actor’s Facebook page and assume that they are just constantly busy, but when you bump into them at the coffee shop they usually confide, “Yeah, actually it’s been a pretty scary/shitty/rough year.”

Preface over.

This past summer I made the decision to completely start over from a representation perspective.  It was becoming clear to me that I was getting too tied down to being only a “southeast actor,” and I was afraid of getting pigeon-holed into being an actor that does this for a hobby… not a living.  I knew I needed to make a leap, and several troublesome instances made that abundantly clear, and so I did.  It was super scary, and I really did doubt myself through most of it.  In the end, I landed an agent in Los Angeles that really knew and appreciated my work, and a manager who reminds me of my first agent Claudia Speicher… if you know me at all that is one of the highest compliments I can give.

I have had several auditions in Los Angeles in the last few years, but most have them have been rather ideal.  I was sent to meet the VPs of casting at a major network, and they sent me to a great Casting Director who read me for the title character in a show.  (The show ended up not going forward at all.)  These experiences were way different than the cattlecall-ish auditions I had gotten used to in the southeast.  For example, coming in to an audition for a guest star role and sitting with 20 other actresses – all of whom I know – and auditioning one by one for a Casting Director.  I actually loved those auditions.  Just me, the Casting Director, and time time time time.  I also started booking things without having to audition at all, which was a goal I set for myself about a year ago.  This is all good.

BUT, the second half of this last year, with the change in representation, and all the other chaos that surrounded it, kind of pulled me out of any auditions and work – also fine.  But as this new year rolled in, I felt more than ready to get back to work auditioning.  So I went to Los Angeles, I had other things to do too, and I had my first LA audition – which was much more like the cattlecall-ish ones from the Southeast.  The actual waiting room vibe was QUITE different, which is fine – I am flexible – I tend to roll with things – but there was a very different attitude in LA.  Not bad.  Just different.  Felt way more desperate and sad than auditions in the Southeast.  Ok – no problem.

I signed in, and I noticed several familiar names on the list.  One in particular.  Let’s call her Stephanie Smith.  I didn’t have the time to process it at the moment, I wanted to stay focused on my audition.  But when I got back to the place I was staying, anxiety swallowed me whole, and I looked up that one actor’s name.  That is when it hit me.

Let’s go back about 10 years…

I had moved to Asheville, NC after my house in New Orleans drowned in Hurricane Katrina.  I got a call from one of my favorite Southeastern Casting Directors asking me to come in and audition for a series regular role on a new series.  WHOA!  Very cool.  I drove to Atlanta, did the audition, the Casting Director was really happy with it.  I didn’t book it.  Guess who did?  Stephanie Smith.

The show actually ran for some seasons, and I watched it – she was quite good.  To be clear – this is not a jealousy thing – just a point of information.  She is the same type of actress I am:  size 14-16, brunette, can do funny, also does drama, you get it.

Fast forward to right after I had my first child.  Again, that same Southeastern casting director called – I was being asked to audition for a Guest Star role on a new show.  I drove to Atlanta, really not wanting to leave my newborn, and auditioned.  Again, the casting director loved my audition.  Guess who booked it?  Stephanie Smith.  The show she was a series regular on had been cancelled, and she was back to Guest Star roles for one episode at a time.

I blew it off…. until this week.  When there she was again… Stephanie Smith.  The reason?  Not because I had to compete with her yet again.  But because what happened with us being in that same audition room – a full TEN YEARS after we both auditioned for that series regular role – was an absolute kick in the stomach.  Here she was, this super-talented, beautiful actress – who happens to be my size.  She had landed a series regular role in a show with a very famous cast, the show aired for a while, and now here she is all over again.  Back in the cattlecall-ish auditions for a Guest Starring role for one episode.

Yikes, I thought.  YIKES.  For as forward thinking and diverse as Hollywood is pretending to be…. why is this actress back in that same room after all she has done?  Why aren’t there shows with leads or supporting leads for her?  Why does it MATTER so much what size we are?  Why aren’t we 14-16 sized women just thrown into the mix with all those actresses out there competing for the leads in any of the shows out there?  Why do all our auditions have to be for characters listed as “frumpy”, or “unkempt”, or “lazy”, or “plain”.  Stephanie Smith is anything but plain… or frumpy… and ostensibly, she should have earned a place on a show given the proof of her abilities.

And this got me thinking… how can I even have a snowball’s chance in hell?  Am I going to be back in this cattlecall-ish audition ten years from now, no matter IF I finally book that series regular I want (you know the frumpy one… the one who cries… because apparently that is all I can do) – am I going to turn around in 10 years and find myself back here again because Hollywood cannot see anyone as a size 14-16 continuing the climb and having a steady career?  We’re just the freaks?  There isn’t a lot of room for us in casting in general if we are just the “wild card fat chick” all the time.

So that is where I am at.  Strong case of disillusionment.  Strong case of – if this is how it is going to be… I don’t want it.



One response

26 01 2018

Reblogged this on yesanastasia13.

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